Psychologists and relationship counsellors teach a range of skills encouraging couples to be more understanding, better listeners, more attuned and empathetic, more reasonable, kinder and more forgiving. Makes sense, yes?
Surely if we are more empathetic, understanding and forgiving with our partners we will engender a happier and more successful relationship.
Yes, it makes sense, but recent research by University of Tennessee’s Assoc Prof James McNulty suggests we shouldn’t be too quick to forgive and forget, especially if it conceals or veils our true feelings.
If we fail to address our concerns or our partner’s mistakes or transgressions, then we risk resentment building to such a point that the relationship is no longer viable. We also increase the likelihood that the negative behaviour will be repeated.
So it’s a good idea to be open, honest and direct with your partner when you are feeling dissatisfied or upset. And if you can’t do that without getting angry, then maybe it’s okay to get angry with your partner from time to time. Anger is, after all, a natural human reaction to a dissatisfying situation, and one that, if kept in check, can be highly valuable. Its value lies in its capacity to signal to the offending partner what elements of their behaviour is unacceptable to the other, and it helps the offending partner to understand the emotional reaction that their behaviour is causing – thereby hopefully inspiring an empathetic response.
Of course the nature and degree of bad behaviour in a relationship is broad, and may include minor transgressions (like not cleaning up or not helping with the children), to more significant failings (such as aggressive communication or a lack of care or emotional support), to mistakes which may simply not be forgivable (like the irresponsible use of money or an affair.
Certainly no one would suggest that we cast out forgiveness, empathy or understanding when we are dealing with our partner’s transgressions and when we are working to improve our relationships – that, clearly, would not do. But a little bit of appropriately expressed anger may not be such a bad thing for your relationship. Certainly McNulty’s research suggests that the short-term distress caused by an angry but honest argument will be far outweighed by the benefits an angry argument might have for the future of your relationship.
So maybe something like “argue and forgive” is a more apt mantra than the more commonly used “forgive and forget”. Give it a try and let us know if it works for you 🙂