Is your baby getting in the way of your relationship?
Who remembers the following nursery rhyme?
There where three in the bed and the little one said “Roll Over, roll over”. So they all rolled-over and one fell out, as he hit the ground you could hear him shout: “Please remember, to tie a knot in your pyjamas, single beds are only made for 1”.
And double beds are only made for 2 – that is until your baby turns up and everything turns on its head!
There is no doubt that the change from a life without kids, to a life with kids, is momentous. Your new child brings you joy, wonderment and love and you have never been happier! Right? But wait a sec, you are probably exhausted from sleep deprivation, and maybe somewhat anxious and fearful about your new role as a parent…. sounding more accurate?
And where is your partner in all this? Your partner used to be so supportive, you used to be so connected, your energy and focus was always on each other ….. but your baby has forced you to share your energy and focus and intimacy – that’s right: there are three in your bed now.
It’s no wonder that so many new parents report decreased satisfaction in their relationship (see www.bbhonline.org for the American statistics). It’s probably not what you anticipated from parenthood, but don’t worry, your experience is not unusual and you are not alone.
A new baby puts pressure on your relationship because, in addition to being tired, you tend to be more focused on the baby then on each other. But this is a temporary situation, and one that you can ride out together and negotiate your way through.
So what can you do to keep your relationship on the go despite the intrusion of a little baby in the middle of your bed?
1. Remember your baby is a shared intrusion – one you made together and can enjoy together.
2. Acknowledge the impact of your baby on your relationship and remember that many of these changes are adjustment responses and are therefore temporary
3. Acknowledge your partner’s needs and inner-needs – respect and admire each other in your role as new parents – and don’t forget to express your respect and admiration to each other in words.
4. Accept that conflict is okay. Communication is the key to resolving conflict.
5. Find a moment of intimacy in each day – if you are too exhausted or too busy, it only needs to be a moment. Take that moment to share your day, express your tenderness, touch.
And remember, the time you take to care for your relationship will not just keep your own love alive – it will also foster a happier and more positive environment in which your child can grow, learn and develop.