Communicating badly? Respectful listening is the key to relationship success.
Whether you are fighting, or hardly talking, communication issues are probably the most common problem that couples bring to relationship therapy. And failed communication is most commonly at the heart of a myriad of other issues that couples bring to counselling.
Do you:

• fight about the same thing, over and over?
• feel like you have to repeat yourself over and over?
• find yourself feeling scared to approach your partner about a particular issue ?
• feel like your partner doesn’t really get you?
• rarely talk about anything beside household duties?
• Hardly talk at all?

If any of the above sounds familiar, then you and your partner are probably experiencing a communication breakdown. And a breakdown in communication will invariably lead to all sorts of other problems in your relationship. In addition, bad communication feels bad, and it’s likely causing you to feel frustrated, angry, upset and lonely in your relationship.
So how can you improve your communication? Psychologists and couples counsellors agree that better communication comes down to one thing – your listening skills. That’s right – we all need to listen better, and that means listening actively, listening with empathy and listening with respect.
Listening doesn’t mean giving in. Rather, it is about giving your partner the space to make their needs, anxieties, desires and fears known to you. Most often, we don’t need our partners to agree with everything we say or want. What we need is to feel like our partner has listened respectfully to those words or wants. We want to feel that our partner has truly listened, and has truly understood us.
Take the following scenario as an example:
A couple have been married for 5 years. Early in their marriage, there was an incident where the man got drunk and drove home without her. She was embarrassed that he had left without her, and furious that he had driven whilst drunk. They’d had a massive argument the next morning, and the man had apologised, and at the time, she had forgiven him. But over the years of marriage, she would find herself constantly referring back to the incident, and it was often the subject of their arguments. A couples counsellor helped them see that the arguments were continuing because even though an apology had been given and accepted, she had never really felt heard. She never felt he understood just how embarrassed and hurt she had been when he left her behind, nor how worried she had been about him driving home drunk. With the help of a counsellor, she was able to explain her emotions from the time, and he was able to really listen. Once she felt heard, and felt understood, she felt at peace about it and the issue went away.
Relationship therapists are skilled at helping you learn the techniques of active listening. The counselling room is a great place to start practicing those skills, because it is a contained and safe environment, plus you have a counsellor mediating your discussions and reflecting your listening skills back to you. But you can also try active listening skills at home – try starting right now and see if someone of those age-old arguments simply whittle away…